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A true inflight emergency - a tale of true horror!

Darren S

Well Known Member
Gentlemen, I feel compelled to share my latest inflight emergency. Why? For no reason other than to make a few of you laugh. Is there a lesson to be learnt? Not really, but maybe?:) Read on.

Over the years I?ve had my share of inflight emergencies ie. Jammed controls, near misses, stuck on top of clouds while low on fuel etc?.. but tonights emergency is in a category all it?s own!

It?s October here in Southern Alberta, the trees are changing color and the days are getting shorter. I had about two hours to kill before picking the kids up from their activities so my plan was to go for a quick buzz, check out the lovely scenery at the base of the mountains and get in my flying fix.

The RV was already gassed up, preflight done, winds were calm and the field was deserted. The sun was setting and it was setting up to be a lovely evening in the skies. If the hot air balloons are out then you know the air is sweet!

I blasted off runway 16 and enjoyed the sights as the sun was getting low on the horizon. Prior to takeoff I felt my guts churning a bit but thought nothing of it. I felt fine and it was only going to be a quick 45 minute flight anyways.

10 minutes in I decided to do some touch and goes at a nearby strip. Enroute I felt my guts churning again but again dismissed the thought as I figured all would be ok.

The first touch and go was fine but upon climbing out of the field the gastrointestinal issue started to intensify. Suddenly there was no putting this issue off!

I turned on crosswind and my immediate thought was to finish the circuit, land and bust a move to the bathroom in the FBO. As I turned from downwind to base I remembered something but wasn?t sure. ?Does this airport have an FBO with an after hours entry code on the door?? Many airports do but I did my flight training out of this airport and don?t remember ever seeing one.

I was still optimistic that I could ?hold it? long enough, land and check out the scene but I was wrong!

On final it became very apparent that a pilot, at least this one, can?t squeeze his sphincter together, operate rudder pedals and get toes on the brakes. Nigh unto the impossible. If I landed this wasn?t going to end well!! I wasn?t fully convinced that I could maintain directional control, especially with a taildragger.

On short final I decided to abort the landing and fly as fast as I could back to home base.

I climbed out again, left all the knobs in and started to barrel home. At 173 knots it was still going to take 9 minutes. NO WAY was I going to make it! NO WAY!! Again I thought about maintaining control when I landed. I weighed my options?.Wreck my plane or wreck my pants and my pride and my dignity!

Years ago, when I was younger and much better looking, I was on a motorcycle trip in the Canadian Rockies with my brothers. We were stuck in some serious rain and freezing. I decided to pee myself in an attempt to warm myself up. It worked momentarily but in short order I was freezing again. That was probably 20 years ago and was the last time, I can recall, that I let loose in my pants?.so to speak. 20 years is a long time?what the heck?time to start a new streak!

I cringed at the thought but I had NO CHOICE! I had to let loose that demon inside. It was every bit as foul and nasty as you are imagining. The pungent odor filled the cockpit. I opened the vents. I was ever so thankful I didn?t have a passenger.

How graphic do you want me to get? Suffice to say, I braced my feet against the rudder pedals and against the back rest in a fashion that I was able to easy my hind quarters off the seat. You RV pilots know exactly what I?m talking about.

The bowel let down kept coming. Gross and disgusting only scratch the surface of what I was dealing with. I do remember thinking that I?m awfully thankful for Oregon Aero LEATHER seats!

My next thought was kind of a prayer. It went like this. ?Dear Lord, please let there be NO ONE at the field?, I don?t know how I?d ever escape the invariable hanger flying.

9 minutes seemed like an eternity and I wasn?t going to prolong this agony. I assumed the winds were as light as when I took off and decided to land straight in, albeit downwind. It?s my home field and the comfort level is high.
I wouldn?t call it a greaser but a greaser considering I was sitting on a 3 inch turd!

I taxied to the hanger and thankfully there were no other diehard flyers out.
I extricated myself out of the plane to survey the damage. The seat was ok and it appeared, at least at first glance, that my jeans contained most, if not all of the toxins.

Now what??

Thankfully I had a pair of coveralls in my hanger otherwise I would have been driving home naked. I shimmied over to hanger, locked myself inside and stripped down. I?ll spare you the details but 6 shop towels later, a bucket of dirty water from my last airplane washing and a pair of gloves are what it took to clean up?.somewhat. The clothes are absolute garbage as I ain?t touching them things!

So is there a lesson to be learned? Yea, if you?re lactose intolerant?..don?t eat Mexican and finish your kids Kraft dinner before you go flying:)
 
****!

LOL. I almost crapped myself laughing at your situation.:eek:

A friend of mine told me a similar story when he was flying a Corsair in formation after a night of heavy drinking (as teenagers in WWII were prone to do). He had to wave off his buddies so that he could throw out his **** filled glove. Twice.
 
OMG. I've been on this forum for a LONG time, and without a doubt, that's the most hilarious thing I've ever read! Been there and done that, albeit not in my plane.

Also takes some coconuts to share that literary greatness. :D
 
Holy Pooh!! :eek::D

I've flown a lot of passenger carrying airplanes without a lav back in my younger years... we are talking commercial airplanes with paying passengers. Always a horrific thought to entertain for a pilot wondering what would happen if the need presented itself at an inopportune time...

One day, carrying a full flight of mainland Chinese passengers in a full CE-402 (no co pilot, no flight attendant), I noticed an in-flight a frenzy of Mandarin speaking going on. Could not understand them but quickly noted some really rancid smells. A heavy blast of fresh air vent alleviated the issue (for me) and I assumed there were the usual elements of sick sack action happening in the rough desert air. After landing it was soon noticed there was an orphan blanket in the aft cargo area behind the last row of seats. Yup. It was in there. An easy clean up but when you gotta go... apparently, you gotta go!
 
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I've been so sick flying solo in the KR2 that when I puked I nearly filled up one of my shoes. I learnt from that and now carry spew-bags in my flight bag.

Shall we take bets as to whether DR makes this a front-page article? :D
 
What a story..

Been on the VAF forum for a good number of years while I was building my RV-8 and even since its been flying since 2008. This has to take the cake for the craziest story I have ever read on here. And the first thing that comes to my mind is proper radio procedures and vernacular. I am guessing the author is referring to what the trucker world would call a "10-200" vs. a 10-100.

Nicely played I must say. I would have gone for the first field where he was doing touch and goes, full stop, mixture to cutoff if I had the energy, and dirtied up a runway light, but I wasn't there. Anyhow, all is well that ends well. No bent metal, paperwork, or fiberglass to patch. Just some new blue jeans to purchase. :D
 
I've been so sick flying solo in the KR2 that when I puked I nearly filled up one of my shoes. I learnt from that and now carry spew-bags in my flight bag.
...

Pack along some one gallon Ziploc bags - they can also be used for the #1 function while flying as well as barfing...
 
Hilarious!

Now that the story has leaked out, I hope you don't take too much **** for it. ;)
 
cheapeau to your guts for posting it and taking some laughs ;-)

at least you didn't have an issue otherwise! i remember going from only slight heartburn to a complete blackout/knockout/puke within 30min from what appeared to be food poisoning during a trip to southeast asia a few years ago. in the air, this could have turned out deadly easily...

so, i'd take dirty pants but with full consciousness any day...
 
Just goes to show who's boss in the anatomy !!!!!

Let make all our RV emergencies this fun!

Smilin' Jack
PS my wife is still in tears from reading and laughing so hard.
 
:D I think you may be flying SOLO for awhile Darren. I'd be rather reluctant to ride in your plane now, regardless how many buckets of water & shop towels.
...LOL...what is your pet name for your plane??? Are you going to re-name her?? :D:D
Glad you safely survived to report this, uh, "incident". :D
 
This is somewhat reminiscent of an incident that occured to a friend while flying a T-33 on a cross country flight, back in the early 80's. The T-33 has no autopilot, zero lateral stability and a really horrible aileron boost system which makes it very delicate to fly at high altitude.

He was solo, IFR, probably at 37,000 ft, when he developed a powerful need to do a #2. He fought it off for as long as he could, but eventually concluded that he had to do something or he was going to soil the seat, and the maintenance folks would be very, very unhappy. He had brought a box lunch along for the long flight, and decided that the box might be useful in his time of need.

He's a tall guy, who barefully fit in the T-33, with his helmet almost touching the canopy when he was seated. It would have been quite the sight to see him undo the seat harness, and his parachute harness, unzip his flight suit and pull it down, lift his butt off the seat and jam the cardboard under there, all while holding altitude and course so ATC wouldn't give him heck. And after all that work, all he produced was a thunderous fart.
 
If you're having airborne intestinal distress, make sure nobody's recording the audio...

http://tinyurl.com/qze2rzf

For those of you with delicate sensibilities, there's some salty aviator language in this recording...you've been warned!

Dave
 
Is this what happens when you leave yourself logged in and leave the computer with the kids? :)

- mark
 
Burritos: Don't forget the aluminum foil!

Pack along some one gallon Ziploc bags - they can also be used for the #1 function while flying as well as barfing...

Cavers are quite familiar with this technique (part of our "Carry It Out" ethic) but we also carry aluminum foil to wrap the used bag in....then refer to them as burritos. :eek: No fouled pants and those on the ground won't know any better.

I know the technique works in a Cherokee 180. I've thankfully never been so challenged in the much tighter RV. (I'm dubious that it can be done in the -3.)
 
Lactose intollerant

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you. As one who is also lactose intolerant, I've been in similar situations. Thankfully not while flying. I'll always remember this thread and plan flights accordingly. Thanks for sharing (pun intended).
 
snip.....I wouldn?t call it a greaser ....snip

OK, that is where I started laughing out loud (and cringing).

If Oregon Aero won't recondition the seats just for PR's sake, I'll be the first to pitch in $25 to the 'make those seats like new' fund!!!!!

Is it too soon to throw out 'Blowout' as a possible call sign? :eek:

Thanks for sharing. That renewed my faith in humanity <g>.

br,
dr
 
It's Time for a Call Sign...

This is one of those unique stories that should not only be "sticky noted" but the VAF community should put their best rectal humor together and award Darren a call sign.

Many moons ago, during my son's initial F-16 training, where FNG call signs originate, a fellow student had a similar experience. After inhaling a pre-mission burrito, about 30 minutes into the flight, the powers of psychology could not override the powers of physiology, and an explosive event occurred in the cockpit.

This provided the fertile ground for the squadron to award the FNG his first call sign...

SLIVER...Sphincter Loose in Viper Emergency Return

I am certain the VAF squadron could put their anal minds together and award Darren a new "handle".
 
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...He was solo, IFR, probably at 37,000 ft, when he developed a powerful need to do a #2. He fought it off for as long as he could, but eventually concluded that he had to do something or he was going to soil the seat, and the maintenance folks would be very, very unhappy. He had brought a box lunch along for the long flight, and decided that the box might be useful in his time of need...

One of my good flying buddies has a brother who's a USAF bird colonel ...top notch flyer ... was on both the west coast demo teams for F-15s and F-16s. Had the same kind of "in -flight emergency" in an F-15 one time, after a gluttonous previous night at Mexican restaurant. He looked around and could find only his helmet bag. His description ....much like Kevin's ...of a mid-flight, panic-ridden shedding of a flightsuit, the necessary body contortions, and the ensuing disgust ... is a story I will never forget. Oh the woes of being a fighter pilot with a zen for Mexican food ...
 
"Approach control..."Huggy" Bare is number two for the overhead". Give to him boys. Don't "Pamper" him. We need a guy you can "Depend" on.
 
Glad y'all been having a good laugh:). It's the day after and I'm still laughing!:)

Love the nicknames so far.

Darren "Blowout" Scarlett. Pilot of RV-7 "Loo" :)
 
You get the prize for crappiest post:eek:

Hey now! Thats not nice. Darren was just trying to be honest about his ordeal.

I for one don't think he if full of S#|T! :D

I like the part where he was coming in "Guns Hot!" Trying to find a "Drop Zone" :eek:
 
Darren "Loose Caboose" !

These forums let us share our triumphs, our challenges, new arrivals and sad departures. We are an interesting band of brothers and sisters.

You deserve to now stand head and shoulders ... and down wind ... of the rest of us :cool:
 
In flight emergency

Too funny !
I have had to pull over when driving , usually after a cup of Starbucks . The wife has not figured out were the " missing sox " realy went !

Tom
 
Reminds me of an accident at the front of an immigration line with 300 people behind me. When it's time, it's time! Sometimes you know and sometimes you don't. Thanks for sharing. My eyes are still wet from laughing.
 
In 1968-69 I was flight surgeon to a B-57 squadron in VN. Almost all of our flights were night dive bombing missions in the mountains of Laos and Cambodia. My understanding was that we had the highest fatality rate of any Air Force outfit in VN. It was a high stress situation, and not all of the crews handled it well. One of our pilots was so stressed that he would **** in his flight suit every time he flew a mission. His crew chief was not a happy camper.

Jim Berry
RV-10
 
Call Sign

Call sign. "Stinky"


Great story! One of the best. Sure glad something didn't happen that would have necessitated detailing this account in a NASA report :D
 
Many years ago in another life, a squadron mate was involved in air-to-air gunnery off Sardinia at 20000 feet in a F-86 Sabre when a maelstrom began hatching in his abdomen. Breaking out of the pattern, he stroked for home base, declared a medical emergency, and was given a priority landing. After hearing nothing for several minutes, the tower asked for an update on his progress. My friend advised them to cancel the emergency and that he would call three miles final for the "stop". He was subsequently marshalled into the line and was seen exiting the aircraft and duck walking to the latrine. He later advised us that he had lost the battle with his sphincter somewhere around ten thousand feet going over five hundred knots. We all agreed with him that some kind of a record had probably been set. (;>0)
 
ugly memories

:eek:

Happened to me 2 years ago at -70 MSL, in a dry suit with a 45 minute decompression obligation.

Pee is no problem as we can "vent overboard".

This was a problem.....ugh.

I keep a roll of TP in the plane for emergencies :)
 
Finch would be an appropriate call sign.

You're not the first dude. I know more than a few guys in the fighter world that have ruined some flight gear and seat cushions. Stories too long to share here but all hilarious!
 
New Product

Perhaps Perftech should consider developing a new product... The Anti-Splat Anti-SPLAT! I'm thinking a toilet seat and bombay doors should be incorporated. Can't wait to see the demo video!

Alan
 
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A slightly different take...

Never glove up and break out the tank sealant too soon in the morning after a breakfast burrito and three cups of coffee...
 
Suffice to say, I braced my feet against the rudder pedals and against the back rest in a fashion that I was able to easy my hind quarters off the seat. You RV pilots know exactly what I?m talking about.

and then you thought about that rudder pedal SB...which is what I was thinking about while attempting to get some elevation for a #1 during a x-country. Well, that and back-flow.
 
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